Desperation of love

By now everyone knows I grew up in a dysfunctional family, though I believe everyone’s family is dysfunctional in some way. But it scarred me, it scarred my heart. The only love that I was able witness love  from a parent to a child. I saw hate and despair as child between a mothers and fathers eyes, not love.

So naturally I craved love. I wanted to experience love. I wanted to know what it was like.  So I immediately at the age of 14 decided to go online into chat-rooms and start a relationship with someone ONLINE. First off, I lied about my age, weight, and appearance. It was the person I WANTED to be. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, and skinny. It ended badly. It ended me attached to a screen and keyboard just wanting to be with a person who had no idea who I was or what I was about.  I fell into a deep depression after we “broke-up”. I wanted to die, I was in so much agony. Whereas I can laugh at it now because it was childish, back then it was so real. It was my life.  My life was on the edge of ending because I someone decided they didn’t want to love me, I saw myself as worthless, disgusting, overweight teen, who never would be able to be loved ever again.

After college my life was settled down. Instead of trying to  become friends with people I settled for the idea of I am okay with just my family. So I latched onto my family. I latched on to the aspect of them taking care of me. I latched onto the idea of never having to stand on my own two-feet. I latched onto the idea that dating online again was okay. At the age of 25 my life got complicated. I started being desperate for love again. I started going back into the free “online dating”. This time I was me, but desperately me. I wanted to be with anyone who showed me “love”. So I met a few random men offline. That was a mistake. All of that was a mistake.

I decided to pay for online dating. Nothing, I got no one. No one wanted to be with this pathetic girl who was desperate for love. No one wanted to be with this girl who didn’t have her life together. I didn’t know who I was, how could I expect someone to love me when I didn’t love myself? It starts with me.  I began crying at night, calling out to the God wanting help, I wasn’t even a Christian then. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just knew I saw it in movies, my mom used to pray with me at night, this was what I supposed to do.  I was desperate for love. I wanted pure love, no strings attached, no ‘you have to do this’ to love me.

As God started softening my heart without me knowing it, I got invited to my current church. I realized the love I was praying for was His love. I didn’t know who I was, He knows who I am, He knew what I was searching for.  Whenever I start to feel lonely, whenever I start to feel as though I need someone by my side to be with me, to make me feel worthy and loved,  I slip to my past and do the online dating again, but then I realized as I pray, I as I dig into the scripture I realized that I am okay. I am okay where I am. I am more than okay with just the love the Lord has for me. I found a community, a church that loves me, I found friends that I never knew I could be friends with. I found the love that Jesus wants me to have. I don’t need the love of a significant other to make me happy, to make me feel worthy. I can do that for myself for I am worthy because God tells me I am. I am a princess who deserves everything.

 

 

How I walk my walk with God

Why do I write?

I have no answer to that question. I can tell you that I am a quiet human being and sometimes with a lack of social skills and my mind going 100 times a minute, everything just gets boggled up and it comes out so fast and unclear, I just mute myself and observe and take things in. But writing, writing I can do, I can freely express myself and edit it if it doesn’t seem to fit and it also allows me not to be just a human being. It allows me to access my soul and my heart and get down to where everyone needs to be before Jesus. I am freely me, the person becoming who God wants me to be.

I love doing work for God but I tell you if I don’t write, my walk with God would not be here. My poetry has been published before but that means nothing to me. My blabber on here is more important, because I hid behind a computer before, writing meaningless poetry but here it’s my heart, it’s me with Jesus in my life walking beside me.

I used to be so dark and so lonely. I used to hate me. At times I wonder why God made me this way, why he made me so quiet and untrustworthy of every person in this world. I know it probably stems back to friends that I trusted because I didn’t have many and they turned around and stabbed me in my back, or the man I grew up with that I saw sinning right in front of me, or the man I looked up to who suffered and suffered and after seeing someone just slowly die in front of you while you were at every hospital stay and just hung on to that slight hope that would he would live. Either way it all relates back to sin. So I can either run from it, accept it or I can go before God and ask for forgiveness and guidance. God does not want me mopping around feeling sorry for myself for the lack of love and support I didn’t have. He wants me to go out there and spread his name and his glory. Because his love is everlasting and nothing can come between the Fathers love for me. We are all screwed up, we are all sinners, we all have a story. But Jesus died and sacrificed it all on the cross for us, for us to covered by his blood for our sins and our wrong doings. It is his blood who saves us.

I started asking myself “What if I never started at my church? Where would I be in life?” Then I stopped myself. I realized that it was part of God’s path for me so there are no what ifs in the past before I started my journey with God.

God made me who I am. He gave me the ability to put words together and that kind of make sense.

Victim of Life

‘There are people who will speech life into you, but there are also people who will speak death into you.’ – Pastor

I never thought of the latter part of that phrase. People can speak “death” into you? Then I think back to my past, and I see the man who did that my entire life that spoke ‘death’ into me. And yet he was a member of a church, and claimed to be Christian, he claimed to ‘love’ everyone. He claimed a lot of things. But yet I was a girl. I couldn’t amount to anything. I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t smart, I was dumb, I was ugly, I was fat, I shouldn’t even be alive. I didn’t have the right, because I didn’t deserve it. 

I didn’t have a strong enough ‘life’ speaker to outweigh the ‘death’ speaker. So the ‘death’ speaker won and it ate at my soul, it built walls up.  It took me into the deep depression and making not want to be around a man I looked up to, a man I thought loved me. Instead it took me to my room, my bed, me crying into my pillow at night, because I was unworthy of everything. This led me to locking myself in my room for almost a year, led to this man attacking me, led to a lot of things. I was a victim of life.

I never searched for a church, I wasn’t really searching for God, I wasn’t searching for anything because I allowed myself to say ‘I don’t care about my life, it is was it is, I am unworthy anyways’. (Now I know it’s because God had his hands on me the entire time) Guess what? The moment I sat down in that church, I whispered to myself, “I am home”,  it was God saying “Welcome Home” . I am home because this is where the love I have been searching for, the man I should’ve been looking up to, Jesus.  

I am no longer a victim of my past. I cannot allow the words of the past to judge my future or my present. I don’t need a man who speaks ‘death’ into me.THE MAN redeemed me, he saved me, He shed his blood for me; HE LOVES ME. IT Is more then any man of earth could ever do for me.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”  Romans 8:38-39