A Glimpse into Darkness

If you were given a story to tell, would you tell it?

I have a story, everyone has a story. When I first became a believer I stated I didn’t have much of a story, that I just went to church to support a friend and got captivated by the church. However, my story is much more then that.

God gave me a story of darkness to light. When I when I was 14, I had the worst year of my life. I was beyond depressed and I slipped into a darkness that I could not pull myself out of. I failed 9th grade that year because I refused to go to school. I had no respect for authority, I was addicted to the internet and the computer and everything that came with it. I stayed in my room, I hardly moved,  I hardly ate, I hardly did anything. 

However, I did write. It’s when I first started writing, but I wrote on, poetry.com, not on paper and I am glad I did. I got to a point in my life where darkness was in my eyes and I was staring satan in the face. I told myself it was the end for me. I wrote a suicide note and poetry.com mailed it to my house, with it right on the from of the envelope. My parents saw and rushed to help me.  As much as I would say they helped me out of it. I know it wasn’t them. God had a better plan for me.

I still sometimes slip into depression but I catch myself and remind myself that I do not want to end up there. I remind myself there is one love that I know is real, God’s love and one light that will forever remain shinning because he is with me, God is light. So when I hear someone is depressed and is falling down, I want to show them that light that I have found years after my darkness, I want to show them the one person who forever will not leave them and will always love them.

God will Pull You Through

Has anyone experience death or close to death?

First off, I do not like this topic because the idea of death, death is just a new beginning, not an end.  I cannot say I suffered through any specific disease but I can say the suicide was in the picture many years back.

I think back to when I was at my darkness moments, when I thought my life was worthless, when I thought I had nothing to offer this world, when I thought I was just not suppose to be here, when I thought suicide was my way out of this hell that I was living.

I wrote a poem as my suicide letter. I wrote a poem about how much my life simply sucked and how much happier people would be and how much more at ease I would be. My parents saw the poem, told me they “loved” me and they told me “everything would be okay”. I didn’t care what they said. I reassured them that “I am fine”. I was not fine. I was lost and lonely. I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have God to help me, because I didn’t know Him. I felt like Jesus when he was dying on the cross, “…My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 27:46). I felt abandoned. At this point of my life I was questioning, “If he really existed, I would not be near death.” I was so down, I didn’t know what to do, I somehow managed to pull myself out of this hell whole, or so I thought.

Now I take a step back and analyze my life that I realize that not only was He there, He held my hand to make sure I didn’t go all the way through with it. He made sure that I got pulled out of my darkness. Therefore, God is my light. God has been there with me by my side. God has a great plan for my life. He’s not done with me yet. It took me many years to find out who my true Father was, I am not going to leave Him and He will not leave me for I have eternal life with Him. 

I get down, but I NEVER allow myself to get down enough to say I am unworthy, I NEVER allow myself to say I am not loved or that I am lonely. I NEVER allow myself to do that. If I start down that path, I turn to Jesus and be lifted high because with Him I have everything, I am loved, I am worthy of everything, I am a daughter of a king, I am not lonely because forever I will have Him, forever He will be there. God is the reason I am living.