Non-Believer to a Believer

I opened my journal this morning and I just began reading from the beginning. This journal started Aug 2nd, 2012. A month before I found Jesus and almost 2 months before I accepted him as my Lord and Savior. Here’s what it reads:

“Today is Aug 2nd, 2012. … I want to start a new chapter in my life and I realized writing is really what I miss. I think I miss everything about it. It calms me, it makes me just fell good. Maybe it’s because it’s someone who doesn’t talk back and judge me and I can unfold all my secrets to. Someone who will always be there for me. Apparently, it is time for a new chapter in my life. Okay, so when is this man going to walk into it? Seriously.”

That entire entry can be summed up into the Man that did walk into my life a month later. It was a prayer that never left these lips, but left from a tip of a pen of a non-believer.

The next few entries were “secrets” or rather sins that just was confessed on paper. But the next entry was right before I met Jesus.

“Nothing. I have nothing, I feel like nothing. Nothing at all” (Undated)

I was depressed because I felt like nothing, unworthy, abandoned, I felt unloved. On the 22nd of September was my next post and it was about finding a great church home, one that I felt I was searching for even as a non-believer.

On October 28th 2012, God answered questions.

“…It was time for life to start. This is what I’ve been struggling with, with my faith, who is Jesus? Why is the Holy Trinity considered one person, one thing? Today my questions were answered. No, not by the sermon but by God speaking them into me. My mind is so clear right now. This is my awakening. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but I am willing and ready for it. Today I handed over my soul. Today I begin to live as Jesus as someone not afraid of faith, not afraid of judgment. I live for Him today, not me.”

After that day, I started writing my notes from the service and then have a reflection page after that. Sometimes it was 3 pages, sometimes it was a paragraph. All I know is, my Aug 2nd “prayer” led me to Jesus, it led me to a life that was unthinkable, unimaginable.

“In Christ I am loved. In Christ I am not alone. In Christ I am me.

Loving Life,
Tanya “

My Chains are Breaking

Why don’t I talk? I’ve contemplated this a lot. Am I afraid? Perhaps, of saying the wrong things and judgement. Was it something in the past? I have been told I talk way to fast and I need to stop collect my thought and then speak. How do you do that in a discussion? How by the time I “collect my thoughts” is the topic still the same? So I don’t talk.
I don’t talk to guys, regardless of who you are, because I trample over my words and been judged for it by too many men. I feel inferior to men. Because of certain men in my life. I can’t help it.
One man I am not inferior too is Jesus, he knows me, and he’s trying to pour into me. He trying to show me true love, the love that I was never shown. But he’s the love I’ve longed for my entire life. He’s the one who freed me from my own chains that I put on. He’s the one who is slowly breaking those cast iron chains that still linger. He’s my savior. I am forever a slave of righteousness because I am no longer a slave of sin.
If words go on “paper” as easy as this, they could come as easily to my lips.

Don’t cry over spilt milk

So you’ve had a rough day. Don’t we all have those sometimes? Sometimes you “spilt the milk”, sometimes you have to clean up “spilt milk”, or even sometimes the milk isn’t spilt, it has just gone bad.

Maybe because you were rushed, maybe because you didn’t care, maybe you just messed up and it was a mistake. What do you do with that? How do you deal with something you screwed up on? First off, YOU don’t. More then likely you are getting yelled at, or someone is holding a huge grudge and is short and nasty to you.
You don’t handle it God does. Why? Because you can’t control others. You can’t pretend you can sit back and change their attitudes, you simply cannot. However, you can pray for them, you can give it over to God, and you have to forgive them just as much as they have to forgive you.

Some people do not think that forgiving someone can change their attitudes, their behavior; but it can if you let it and actually forgive them.

If you spilt the milk, apologize whole heartily. If you are cleaning up someone’s spilt milk, stop and forgive the person who spilt it, whole heartily. If the milk just went bad, then forgive yourself or the other person for acting sour.

God will Pull You Through

Has anyone experience death or close to death?

First off, I do not like this topic because the idea of death, death is just a new beginning, not an end.  I cannot say I suffered through any specific disease but I can say the suicide was in the picture many years back.

I think back to when I was at my darkness moments, when I thought my life was worthless, when I thought I had nothing to offer this world, when I thought I was just not suppose to be here, when I thought suicide was my way out of this hell that I was living.

I wrote a poem as my suicide letter. I wrote a poem about how much my life simply sucked and how much happier people would be and how much more at ease I would be. My parents saw the poem, told me they “loved” me and they told me “everything would be okay”. I didn’t care what they said. I reassured them that “I am fine”. I was not fine. I was lost and lonely. I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have God to help me, because I didn’t know Him. I felt like Jesus when he was dying on the cross, “…My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 27:46). I felt abandoned. At this point of my life I was questioning, “If he really existed, I would not be near death.” I was so down, I didn’t know what to do, I somehow managed to pull myself out of this hell whole, or so I thought.

Now I take a step back and analyze my life that I realize that not only was He there, He held my hand to make sure I didn’t go all the way through with it. He made sure that I got pulled out of my darkness. Therefore, God is my light. God has been there with me by my side. God has a great plan for my life. He’s not done with me yet. It took me many years to find out who my true Father was, I am not going to leave Him and He will not leave me for I have eternal life with Him. 

I get down, but I NEVER allow myself to get down enough to say I am unworthy, I NEVER allow myself to say I am not loved or that I am lonely. I NEVER allow myself to do that. If I start down that path, I turn to Jesus and be lifted high because with Him I have everything, I am loved, I am worthy of everything, I am a daughter of a king, I am not lonely because forever I will have Him, forever He will be there. God is the reason I am living.

I want to SHOUT

My family, that’s complicated. We’re complicated. People tell me I have a weird, drama full family. Now we have a Jesus worshiper and follower, and all she wants to do is just love Jesus and live HER life, not theirs. I am that person. I used to quiet subdued and did not say anything and just went with the flow. I decided to slam on the brakes to the fast track life of failure that I was going down. I decided to follow Jesus and do you know, even though “raised’ in a “Christian family”, they do not agree with my following. I get from every single one of them,”I’m glad it makes you happy”. Do they really? Makes me happy? In all honesty, my emotions and my brokenness is worse then when I was a fast track to hell. Not everyday am I happy, not everyday am full of joy, not everyday I laugh, not everyday to rejoice in the Lord; but I can and I should. I can turn back to Jesus and know that everything will be okay. I know that he is there. I can pray, I can worship him.  I have a savior.

(I also get, “Is she okay?”)

I do not care who agrees with me anymore. I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I don’t want to sit back and let people tell me what to believe. I want to be loud. He saved me from hell, from my past, from my failures. I am sick and tired of people telling me I am either a failure, or I have no idea what I am getting myself into. Guess what? I don’t care. I am saved regardless if I think my life is failing regardless if I don’t think I have anyone to turn to. Regardless of anything. I have Jesus Christ right beside me and he will be with me for an eternity. I can’t say that about my family, I can’t say that about my friends because I do not know who is “Christian” or who is a Christian. I cannot speak for them.  I can only speak for me and my relationship with God.  

 

Jesus

Palm Sunday. Growing up I never understood Palm Sunday. I honestly do not believe my church growing up even cared about Palm Sunday. Today, I can say I understand it, more then I did yesterday or in the past. Palm Sunday is about throwing things down and just worshiping the guy who saved us. You either grew up worshiping him, or you had to introduced to the man who gave up his life for you. We need worship him not because you want him to give you things. Worship him because  he saved you, and he’ll save the person next to you if you introduce him to them. Don’t pretend that Jesus saved you exclusively, he saved every single sinner out there who is willing to confess him as his savior.

Your life may not look the best, but still worship him. You may feel like a failure, still worship him. You may think you have nothing, still worship him. Every down day can be lifted higher, because at the end of the day, we did not go through when Jesus went through for us. Do nails get hammered through your flesh and bones? Does blood rush out of you while you hang on the cross? Probably not, but you don’t have to go through that, because Jesus already did.

If you are still breathing, he still has a plan for you. If your plan was over you’d be up there in heaven, celebrating your arrival home with your father. It will be your “Palm Sunday” celebration.

Play in the Rain

Which type of person are you? Do you watch the rain? Or Do you get down when it rains? Or Do you play in the rain?

I have never had experience that if it was raining and I played in the rain, I wasn’t smiling, laughing, and just didn’t have fun. But yet, we don’t play in the rain. Instead, we complain, we get aggravated that it is raining, we get down.

Why don’t we approach life as if it was raining and we were playing in it. How would your life be if you just became a child again, and allowed yourself to laugh, smile, and have genuine fun.

My journey with God is sometimes a rainy day that I am just watching from afar, but I attempt to open the door and just play in the rain. Playing in the rain is letting Gods love pour over you. It’s just stepping out with faith and following Gods plan for you.

Let his love pour down on you, don’t just go and attempt to watch his love from a window and see others get joy, excitement and happiness, while you sit and let life pass you by. Eternity starts now, not when you die, start living.