God will Pull You Through

Has anyone experience death or close to death?

First off, I do not like this topic because the idea of death, death is just a new beginning, not an end.  I cannot say I suffered through any specific disease but I can say the suicide was in the picture many years back.

I think back to when I was at my darkness moments, when I thought my life was worthless, when I thought I had nothing to offer this world, when I thought I was just not suppose to be here, when I thought suicide was my way out of this hell that I was living.

I wrote a poem as my suicide letter. I wrote a poem about how much my life simply sucked and how much happier people would be and how much more at ease I would be. My parents saw the poem, told me they “loved” me and they told me “everything would be okay”. I didn’t care what they said. I reassured them that “I am fine”. I was not fine. I was lost and lonely. I didn’t know where to turn, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have God to help me, because I didn’t know Him. I felt like Jesus when he was dying on the cross, “…My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 27:46). I felt abandoned. At this point of my life I was questioning, “If he really existed, I would not be near death.” I was so down, I didn’t know what to do, I somehow managed to pull myself out of this hell whole, or so I thought.

Now I take a step back and analyze my life that I realize that not only was He there, He held my hand to make sure I didn’t go all the way through with it. He made sure that I got pulled out of my darkness. Therefore, God is my light. God has been there with me by my side. God has a great plan for my life. He’s not done with me yet. It took me many years to find out who my true Father was, I am not going to leave Him and He will not leave me for I have eternal life with Him. 

I get down, but I NEVER allow myself to get down enough to say I am unworthy, I NEVER allow myself to say I am not loved or that I am lonely. I NEVER allow myself to do that. If I start down that path, I turn to Jesus and be lifted high because with Him I have everything, I am loved, I am worthy of everything, I am a daughter of a king, I am not lonely because forever I will have Him, forever He will be there. God is the reason I am living.

I want to SHOUT

My family, that’s complicated. We’re complicated. People tell me I have a weird, drama full family. Now we have a Jesus worshiper and follower, and all she wants to do is just love Jesus and live HER life, not theirs. I am that person. I used to quiet subdued and did not say anything and just went with the flow. I decided to slam on the brakes to the fast track life of failure that I was going down. I decided to follow Jesus and do you know, even though “raised’ in a “Christian family”, they do not agree with my following. I get from every single one of them,”I’m glad it makes you happy”. Do they really? Makes me happy? In all honesty, my emotions and my brokenness is worse then when I was a fast track to hell. Not everyday am I happy, not everyday am full of joy, not everyday I laugh, not everyday to rejoice in the Lord; but I can and I should. I can turn back to Jesus and know that everything will be okay. I know that he is there. I can pray, I can worship him.  I have a savior.

(I also get, “Is she okay?”)

I do not care who agrees with me anymore. I don’t want to be quiet anymore. I don’t want to sit back and let people tell me what to believe. I want to be loud. He saved me from hell, from my past, from my failures. I am sick and tired of people telling me I am either a failure, or I have no idea what I am getting myself into. Guess what? I don’t care. I am saved regardless if I think my life is failing regardless if I don’t think I have anyone to turn to. Regardless of anything. I have Jesus Christ right beside me and he will be with me for an eternity. I can’t say that about my family, I can’t say that about my friends because I do not know who is “Christian” or who is a Christian. I cannot speak for them.  I can only speak for me and my relationship with God.  



Palm Sunday. Growing up I never understood Palm Sunday. I honestly do not believe my church growing up even cared about Palm Sunday. Today, I can say I understand it, more then I did yesterday or in the past. Palm Sunday is about throwing things down and just worshiping the guy who saved us. You either grew up worshiping him, or you had to introduced to the man who gave up his life for you. We need worship him not because you want him to give you things. Worship him because  he saved you, and he’ll save the person next to you if you introduce him to them. Don’t pretend that Jesus saved you exclusively, he saved every single sinner out there who is willing to confess him as his savior.

Your life may not look the best, but still worship him. You may feel like a failure, still worship him. You may think you have nothing, still worship him. Every down day can be lifted higher, because at the end of the day, we did not go through when Jesus went through for us. Do nails get hammered through your flesh and bones? Does blood rush out of you while you hang on the cross? Probably not, but you don’t have to go through that, because Jesus already did.

If you are still breathing, he still has a plan for you. If your plan was over you’d be up there in heaven, celebrating your arrival home with your father. It will be your “Palm Sunday” celebration.

Play in the Rain

Which type of person are you? Do you watch the rain? Or Do you get down when it rains? Or Do you play in the rain?

I have never had experience that if it was raining and I played in the rain, I wasn’t smiling, laughing, and just didn’t have fun. But yet, we don’t play in the rain. Instead, we complain, we get aggravated that it is raining, we get down.

Why don’t we approach life as if it was raining and we were playing in it. How would your life be if you just became a child again, and allowed yourself to laugh, smile, and have genuine fun.

My journey with God is sometimes a rainy day that I am just watching from afar, but I attempt to open the door and just play in the rain. Playing in the rain is letting Gods love pour over you. It’s just stepping out with faith and following Gods plan for you.

Let his love pour down on you, don’t just go and attempt to watch his love from a window and see others get joy, excitement and happiness, while you sit and let life pass you by. Eternity starts now, not when you die, start living.


How do you write like no one is reading?

I delete, I rewrite, I constantly reread. This is not the administrator side of my gift, this is fear, fear that I am not appeasing every person who is reading this. Appeasing everyone is a blessing and a cruse. How do you make something so generalized that it doesn’t offend anyone? No idea. So I try to do it. It never really works out.

How do you appease a non-believer? or Better question how do you appease a believer? I could just write about happy go-lucky things that just makes every one happy and have a good day. That appeasing part of me would love that and everyone will love me and we all go our own ways. However, I do not want to do that.

I do not want tip toe around anyone anymore. I just want to be open and use the greatest tool God gave me, my brain. He didn’t make me good at something, if he didn’t want me to share anything. I may not have the gift to be a speaker, but writing allows me to freely express myself and it allows for people to judge whether or not they are going to even read this. Whereas a speaker, if you are there chances are you have to listen, regardless if it is good or not.

I pray that God uses me to do His work, whether it be here or somewhere else.

Distraction in Churches

Here’s one secret, pay attention, take notes. I do not sit on my phone and constantly check messages, I do not talk, nor do I try to let others talk to me (unless it’s church related). I do not let anything come in between me and the sermon. What is it about today’s society that people think it’s okay to do that? That it’s okay to be texting during church, to be talking in church, to not be paying attention to the sermon.

Teachers, do you like it when a student is on their phone or is talking in the middle of class? I am sure you don’t. But you start with rules and earn respect. However, we do not have written rules in church, but we are all adults, shouldn’t we show God the same respect that you expect you students, your kids to do? Or is that too much to ask?

This is God’s time not just your pastors teaching. It’s only an hour and half (if that) of your life for the week. Can we respect God enough to give up that hour and half of social media, texting, and talking?

It is not only a distraction to you, it is a distraction to the rest of congregation.

Not only that, it is sad today some churches have reverted to “Fill-In-Blanks” on bulletins so that people pay attention. Really? We need to be treated like a little child in order to pay attention to what God is trying to teach us?  It is more of a distraction then it is anything, because if you miss it, you ask your neighbor, because you weren’t paying attention in the first place and you hope they were.

People just need check out at the start service and check back in after church. Socialize before and after church not during. Try it out, do not talk, do not pick up your phone (turn off your phone or put it on silent), just sit back pay attention, take notes. God will do His work if you just pay attention and let go of the distractions.


My first post

Here goes nothing…

It has been about 3 years since I actively blogged. However, I kept it to myself. I didn’t want anyone to know me, I thought I wasn’t worthy of people knowing me, I didn’t think people would like me.

Hiding from reality is not a good thing.

Here’s an entry, entitled “Reality Check”,  of my old blog before I became a Christian, May 2011.

“There are things in life that go on and on in your head, like in repeat or with a alternate ending. Well since life is no DVD we can’t hope for alternate endings nor can we hope for fast forward. Life comes in moments, and a lot of the times you may say something you regret So it repeats in your head with the different outcomes, however, who says that just because you didn’t say what you wanted the outcome wouldn’t have been the same.
My dilemma is that fact I can give advice to the high heaven but I can’t follow my own words of wisdom. I try and I try. I motivate people even when I am not trying to but I can’t motivate myself. I realize that I should not dwell in the past nor should I hope for my goals to approach me all at once. That is not reality.  What I should be doing is living day by day, not moment by moment. Moments can last years, like college, I just saw the big picture not the picture that my professors were bending over backwards to help me, if I lived for the day and not for the moment I could’ve succeeded to a much higher level then where I ended up.
This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I don’t know why it is. I live in a fantasy world, a place where I am loved, appreciated, successful, lovely, happy, and most importantly in love. However because I have lived in this fantasy world for so long I lost reality. I don’t really have any of that in the real world because I only know it based on the movie playing in my mind. I can manipulate it to my liking but you can’t do that in real life. ” 

Today, my “fantasy world” is reality. I found a place where love is pouring out, where I am happy, where my path is just beginning. I found Jesus and all I did was start to walk with him and he open doors of the present and closed doors of the past. Some doors of the past get cracked open from time to time but that’s when I need to build enough strength & courage to close them myself.

This is just beginning, may you join me as God begins to open even more doors to both of our futures.