Gods Butterfly

A butterfly flew into my car today. First off, it was a gorgeous day outside so I had the windows rolled down. It flew in at a stop light it was a small young one, but beautiful. I flicked it off and it landed on the car beside me. That didn’t stop it, it flew right back in and stayed on my door till I arrived at my destination. It didn’t fly away either, it gracefully walked up my door to my roof, I could’ve held it. It wasn’t moving away from my car. What does this have to do with anything?

Well it maybe a butterfly but it taught me something. God’s love does not go away even if you think you can get rid of it. You simple cannot. You can turn you’re back but he will still speak into your life and try to get you back to him. He will never give up on you, he will never let you go! Even if you do not see it, God is always there! He loves you too much!

That butterfly was not afraid of me, he knew I was not going to hurt him even though I hurt him in past. I may have grown up a nonbeliever, a outcast, a rebel, I have cursed his name in vein but he knows I love him. He knows me and he knows me heart today. For it is he who changed me.

A butterfly is a symbol of resurrection, for it dies and rises again. It is the story of my life. I may not have physically died but my heart and soul had no meaning until I found Jesus. Jesus is not only the guy who voluntarily got up on the cross and died for me for my sins to be forgiven, but he is also the person who loves me and encourages me to be the person I am becoming.

Victim of Life

‘There are people who will speech life into you, but there are also people who will speak death into you.’ – Pastor

I never thought of the latter part of that phrase. People can speak “death” into you? Then I think back to my past, and I see the man who did that my entire life that spoke ‘death’ into me. And yet he was a member of a church, and claimed to be Christian, he claimed to ‘love’ everyone. He claimed a lot of things. But yet I was a girl. I couldn’t amount to anything. I couldn’t do anything right. I wasn’t smart, I was dumb, I was ugly, I was fat, I shouldn’t even be alive. I didn’t have the right, because I didn’t deserve it. 

I didn’t have a strong enough ‘life’ speaker to outweigh the ‘death’ speaker. So the ‘death’ speaker won and it ate at my soul, it built walls up.  It took me into the deep depression and making not want to be around a man I looked up to, a man I thought loved me. Instead it took me to my room, my bed, me crying into my pillow at night, because I was unworthy of everything. This led me to locking myself in my room for almost a year, led to this man attacking me, led to a lot of things. I was a victim of life.

I never searched for a church, I wasn’t really searching for God, I wasn’t searching for anything because I allowed myself to say ‘I don’t care about my life, it is was it is, I am unworthy anyways’. (Now I know it’s because God had his hands on me the entire time) Guess what? The moment I sat down in that church, I whispered to myself, “I am home”,  it was God saying “Welcome Home” . I am home because this is where the love I have been searching for, the man I should’ve been looking up to, Jesus.  

I am no longer a victim of my past. I cannot allow the words of the past to judge my future or my present. I don’t need a man who speaks ‘death’ into me.THE MAN redeemed me, he saved me, He shed his blood for me; HE LOVES ME. IT Is more then any man of earth could ever do for me.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”  Romans 8:38-39

A Glimpse into Darkness

If you were given a story to tell, would you tell it?

I have a story, everyone has a story. When I first became a believer I stated I didn’t have much of a story, that I just went to church to support a friend and got captivated by the church. However, my story is much more then that.

God gave me a story of darkness to light. When I when I was 14, I had the worst year of my life. I was beyond depressed and I slipped into a darkness that I could not pull myself out of. I failed 9th grade that year because I refused to go to school. I had no respect for authority, I was addicted to the internet and the computer and everything that came with it. I stayed in my room, I hardly moved,  I hardly ate, I hardly did anything. 

However, I did write. It’s when I first started writing, but I wrote on, poetry.com, not on paper and I am glad I did. I got to a point in my life where darkness was in my eyes and I was staring satan in the face. I told myself it was the end for me. I wrote a suicide note and poetry.com mailed it to my house, with it right on the from of the envelope. My parents saw and rushed to help me.  As much as I would say they helped me out of it. I know it wasn’t them. God had a better plan for me.

I still sometimes slip into depression but I catch myself and remind myself that I do not want to end up there. I remind myself there is one love that I know is real, God’s love and one light that will forever remain shinning because he is with me, God is light. So when I hear someone is depressed and is falling down, I want to show them that light that I have found years after my darkness, I want to show them the one person who forever will not leave them and will always love them.

Being the “Odd-Man” Out

Ever felt alone in a crowd full of people or just felt alone?


I feel that on a weekly basis. My family makes me feel that way, my lack of friends make me feel that way. I struggle with loneliness, almost everyone does. Why do I feel alone even when I’m with people who love me and genuinely care for me? I get no support from them. I get love, I suppose but I don’t get support. But why do I need support? Why do I need their blessing? I don’t, but part of me does. Part of me does not want to feel like the “odd-man” out. The one that gets “shunned” because she isn’t like anyone else. It’s like high school all over again, except in a family sense. They expect you to be there but if you “check-out” because you don’t agree with something or if you feel like the fifth or seventh wheel and don’t talk or don’t want to jump into a middle of a conversation then there’s something wrong with you.  The thing that’s wrong with me is I just love Jesus too much according to them.

I am a Christian but apparently I am too loud on social media, on my blog, on everything. I should be quiet, I should sit in the corner and not talk about it. Listen, I love every single family member, every friend, every person but I will express my love for Jesus, just as much as  you and the person next you who spread their love for their kids or spouses. Most people don’t care about what others think when they spread that. Why is it that when we take a picture of kids or something stupid that someone did get more likes then someone saying simply, “God loves you ” or just simply a bible versus? Oh wait, that’s not important, it’s not cool enough. It’s not cool enough to share that post, or to like it.  It’s not good enough, or that person is just crazy, you can’t love Jesus that much. Guess what? You can. Guess what? You haven’t experienced God’s love if you haven’t ever felt that way. You should feel that way everyday, you should feel like a new believer everyday, you should open your bible everyday just like a new believer. We should not just let the Gospel leave us and become just a person who attends church. We should not go on living our life as though we don’t have a purpose in life. Jesus gave us our mission to spread the Gospel and build the church, not to shut the bible and re-open the bible and the doors of church until Sunday morning. How can you spread it, if you don’t read or talk about it? I am sorry. I am not a quiet Christian but I am a quiet person. I have been told by people “it’s just a phase, you’ll get over it” or “It’s because you’re a new believer”. I have not shut up since I became a new believer and I don’t want to nor will I let myself shut up. I am trying to live my life as an example, not as a “phase” that I will out grow. Maybe you should try it, live to represent him, don’t live to put him in your back pocket and try to whip him out when it’s convenient.

It doesn’t matter if I am the “odd-man” out, it doesn’t matter if I am lonely because ultimately as long as I have Jesus in my life I will never be lonely or unloved.  

Stop Faking It

You cannot fake the love of Jesus in your life but you can fake being Christian. There are too many people claiming to be Christians now a days but all they do is sin and live in it. If you are true Christ follower you would thrive not to sin and to love others and be a good example! You would shoot for perfection! Everyone of us does sin, but it is your choice whether to follow the enemy or follow Christ.

Some of the “Christians” go to church every Sunday. Some of them just are a “Christian” when they feel like they need to be “saved again” because they have been sinning this entire time. I am not perfect, I sin but I give it up every time I do. I consider them fake Christians or “Christians” because they “know” what God says before even opening up the word and actually reading it. They put words together that God did not put together. I know examples of these people. I know Christians, and I know “Christians” but the point of the matter is, if you are a “Christian”, stop. Get read of the maybe, get rid of whatifs, get rid of the sin, just have faith. Christ didn’t die for you to maybe follow Him. He died for you to follow, to believe, to love and to know he sacrificed himself so that we could live new life, don’t take it for granted. Stop pretending and start believing again. Love and live like Jesus. Strive for perfection.

Non-Believer to a Believer

I opened my journal this morning and I just began reading from the beginning. This journal started Aug 2nd, 2012. A month before I found Jesus and almost 2 months before I accepted him as my Lord and Savior. Here’s what it reads:

“Today is Aug 2nd, 2012. … I want to start a new chapter in my life and I realized writing is really what I miss. I think I miss everything about it. It calms me, it makes me just fell good. Maybe it’s because it’s someone who doesn’t talk back and judge me and I can unfold all my secrets to. Someone who will always be there for me. Apparently, it is time for a new chapter in my life. Okay, so when is this man going to walk into it? Seriously.”

That entire entry can be summed up into the Man that did walk into my life a month later. It was a prayer that never left these lips, but left from a tip of a pen of a non-believer.

The next few entries were “secrets” or rather sins that just was confessed on paper. But the next entry was right before I met Jesus.

“Nothing. I have nothing, I feel like nothing. Nothing at all” (Undated)

I was depressed because I felt like nothing, unworthy, abandoned, I felt unloved. On the 22nd of September was my next post and it was about finding a great church home, one that I felt I was searching for even as a non-believer.

On October 28th 2012, God answered questions.

“…It was time for life to start. This is what I’ve been struggling with, with my faith, who is Jesus? Why is the Holy Trinity considered one person, one thing? Today my questions were answered. No, not by the sermon but by God speaking them into me. My mind is so clear right now. This is my awakening. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but I am willing and ready for it. Today I handed over my soul. Today I begin to live as Jesus as someone not afraid of faith, not afraid of judgment. I live for Him today, not me.”

After that day, I started writing my notes from the service and then have a reflection page after that. Sometimes it was 3 pages, sometimes it was a paragraph. All I know is, my Aug 2nd “prayer” led me to Jesus, it led me to a life that was unthinkable, unimaginable.

“In Christ I am loved. In Christ I am not alone. In Christ I am me.

Loving Life,
Tanya “

My Chains are Breaking

Why don’t I talk? I’ve contemplated this a lot. Am I afraid? Perhaps, of saying the wrong things and judgement. Was it something in the past? I have been told I talk way to fast and I need to stop collect my thought and then speak. How do you do that in a discussion? How by the time I “collect my thoughts” is the topic still the same? So I don’t talk.
I don’t talk to guys, regardless of who you are, because I trample over my words and been judged for it by too many men. I feel inferior to men. Because of certain men in my life. I can’t help it.
One man I am not inferior too is Jesus, he knows me, and he’s trying to pour into me. He trying to show me true love, the love that I was never shown. But he’s the love I’ve longed for my entire life. He’s the one who freed me from my own chains that I put on. He’s the one who is slowly breaking those cast iron chains that still linger. He’s my savior. I am forever a slave of righteousness because I am no longer a slave of sin.
If words go on “paper” as easy as this, they could come as easily to my lips.