I never thought the only thing holding me back was simply closure.
Two weeks ago my Mommom was laying on her hospital bed knocking on heavens door. She took her last breathe and her heart took that last beat. I wasn’t upset at the fact she went home to be with the Lord. I was upset selfishly because my last memory of my Poppop just passed away.
My Poppop was my rock till 1997. I’ve talked about him before on here. But I was so hurt when he died, I felt like my whole world was flipped upside down. I never truly healed from his passing. I blamed God a lot in my childhood, for not answering prayers and healing the literal love of my life at 11 years old. He was my world.
But a little over a week ago as we laid to rest my Mommom something unexpected happened. God allowed me to be healed from and broken free from my Poppops death. I thanked God for the first time for taking him home and I repented the anger I felt towards God. I convinced myself it was ok for him to die because he was sick but never actually forgave God for being so mad at him and blaming him for taken him away.
One of the first indications were the pictures. I didn’t remember the man in them. He looked different to me and from a child’s innocent eyes he was. But I left the idea of my Poppop there in that box of innocent perfection. I was chained to an idea rather than the full truth.
I’ve learned in a few short weeks that I had been stuck in certain areas of myself that manifested in laziness and procrastination of an 11 year old little girl. I didn’t mature past that point in certain areas because I never faced the root of the chains and the problems. God gave me a key to my own chains years ago when I accept Jesus into my heart and I was called His. I just never opened my hands to realize it was there this whole time.
Over 6 months I’ve had some amazing prayer warriors get behind me. I’ve had a counselor and a pastor walk with me through so difficulty and darkness in my life. Never realizing the only thing holding me back was literally my 11 year old self refusing to let go.
After finally allowing myself to be free from those chains I have slowly started walking towards who God designed me to be, giving him every aspect o my life and allowing those shackle burns to turn to scars that I will gladly wear as a part of my amazing testimony that God continues to write.