They say we all have demons we fight. Someone said that, I don’t believe it was biblical scholar though I’m sure they’ve said something similar.
We all battle flesh. We all battle this world. We have hand to hand combat with the enemy somedays. Yet most of it goes unnoticed, untouched, hidden in secret.
My inner demon right now is depression and anxiety. I hit rock bottom two weeks ago. I literally was walking through a mall and had a mental break down. The thoughts of suicide began to ring between my ears. The thought of never harming myself went out the window and I broke down. I began to question every step I took and pondered why am I alive. I was scared to even get behind the wheel. I almost took myself to the ER because I was so afraid of me.
I didn’t see hope. I didn’t see any of my faith in that moment. I was walking in complete darkness. I felt consumed by the enemy engulfed by the darkness and unable to get out.
The day went on but the darkness never left me. The darkness hasn’t left me. The darkness may never leave me.
But as each day goes on, I see a little more light peaking through the cracks of the walls I have built around me.
Depression isn’t a joke, it’s not a feeling that just goes away. It’s a battle. It suffocates you and will not let go. It’s like it’s a demon trying to rob you from life and it won’t let go.
I am no where near being on the other side of this battle. I am constantly fighting, trying to find willpower and strength to get through day. I am constantly fighting myself. I’m writing this because in order to have a support system, people have to know what’s going on, people don’t know how to love you or care for you if you don’t let them in.
I love my God and it’s by his grace and mercy I’m still here. It’s his nudges and reminder of grace and his power that I hold on to. There is hope. God’s not done with me. But the still darkness tends to speak louder regardless of what I do.