There have been multiple attempts to write over the last couple of months. Unfortunately I sized everything, I judged myself, I didn’t find myself adequate to write. Mentally and spiritually maybe I wasn’t.
I’ve been battling a lot lately. I have been going down a path of darkness. I started to see habits of my old ways that I got scared and hid. I started convincing myself that my new self was just a facade. That maybe I was never made new in Christ. Maybe this entire thing of who God says I am is not who I am.
It’s not that I didn’t try to stop my thinking. I listened to sermons. I read the Word of God. I still attended church. Still nothing stopped me from thinking I was a complete phony, that my old self was better than my new self. It was like the enemy hitting me were the soft spot is the armor I have on repeatedly and I just couldn’t recover from the battle.
The crazy thing through all of this God never left my side. Even when I never got the connection, never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, doubted the mere existence of Him, even when I battled through darkness and with the enemy; He was there. It was Psalm 139 where no matter where you try to hid, He is always with you. He created you.
Even if you have moments when you try to battle the negative thoughts, the depressed thoughts, the thought that you are not made new in Christ and you are not who God says you are, you still are. You are beautiful. You a princess. You are forgiven. You are a child of God. He will never leave you. Wherever you may go regardless if you don’t feel him, or don’t feel like anything, God is with you.