Fitting in

Have ever had that awkward moment where you feel out of place?

I used to have it all the time. Ever since I can remember my goal was to fit in. I was to fit in because I believed I was not allowed to be different. If I was different, then I was strange, if I was strange then I’d be nobody and no one would like me. 

I moved in 7th grade from Maryland to a small town in New York State. I immediately did not fit in, but someone approached me, so I became more comfortable with them. I found out months later, they weren’t the good crowd. They did drugs, they smoked, they drank, and got lost in the streets of a small town. I couldn’t hang with them so they stopped inviting me out, but I wanted them as friends so I became cool by failing grades, skipping school, and hating life. At the time to fill my void of friends I began an online life filled with Chat rooms. I became addicted. I thought I could be me without facing anyway one physically. It wasn’t until recently have I realized I was never me.

Behind the pixelated screen was this scared little girl who just wanted to be accepted by everyone. She wanted everyone to like her. But the reality is not everyone did, not everyone will.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you think normal is fitting in or blending in. But I have learned these past few months is that God called me to be different.

He knitted me, Tanya, together with care and purpose. He made me perfectly imperfect. Lately, more chains are breaking and walls are crumbling down. The core of who I am is beginning to show. I am loving every minute of it.

To every girl out there: No matter what society, peers, even parents say, always strive to be yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just to fit in or think someone will like you better. God has made you amazing, shine like you are. 

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