Being Myself

“Only you can be the best you..” God has put a calling on my life. God has been stirring something inside of me to find my calling. I just have no idea what it is. Maybe it’s right in front of me, maybe I just have not found it yet. But I do have a purpose, I do have a calling.

Maybe I am just stating this because my devotional right now is “God’s Dream for your life” by Rick Warren. But God did not draw me to a devotional because it looked pretty, or it seems legit. I was drawn to the devotional because I want to figure out as Rick Warren puts, “God’s dream for [my] life”.

Growing up as a middle child, that I am sure has a slight form of Aspergers or some other social anxiety disorder, it’s been hard to find me. I always wanted to be my big sister, I wanted to do things with her. But she was mean and didn’t want me around, so I did my own thing, and if my little sister got closer to my big sister, it was on, I would hit her, literally, because it just wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair growing up with an older sister, a brother, and a little sister.

So I turned to other family members, I got really close to my Poppop because I was his favorite, seriously ask anyone in the family. He unfortunately passed in 1997. Which led to me being depressed for years, though right when it happened when I had a support system, I was “okay”. So my most important years to find out who I was, I was depressed, suicidal, and in a not so good living situation. So I did what I thought was right, I copied people. I just wanted to be liked by anyone and everyone. Sometimes, I wonder if I have a true personality.

My chemistry degree only happened because I thought my family would be proud because everyone else in the family had a science degree and/or a chemistry degree. But I found out I was a disappointment because they didn’t want me to make the same mistakes they did.  But it’s not that I didn’t like chemistry, it’s more so, it wasn’t me. I wasn’t science minded. I had intelligence, that’s what got me where I was, nothing else.  So I got a degree that I do not use, because I wanted to impress someone, not me.

Sometimes I slept with people just to have stories to tell people. Because that was the “cool” thing to do. I got drunk all the time in college, because I thought maybe I could find myself that way, but I actually lost myself that way. I constantly did what others did, I constantly wanted to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to have a personality.

I went to church because I wanted to be a support  person for a friend during her baptism. I went there for her the next time because I felt like I would be a disappointment otherwise. But that’s when that ended. On my trip home from my moms, I left in enough time to go to church, but wasn’t sure. I was battling with myself on whether or not to go back to church. It was in that moment, I heard God for the first time, he said to go for me. That day, I secretly in my heart accept Christ as I sat in tears during the sermon, but the next weekend I gave my life publicly to Christ, as my pastor did an altar call, talk about embarrassing…(Thanks Pastor!) But it was from that moment, that I have been battling to find Tanya, to find my true self.

Slowly God is peeling back the layers of me and slowly reveling them to both  myself and to others. I would say people know more about me than I know about myself, as I judge and criticize myself way too much. I can’t do what others do, I have to realize sometimes we weren’t born to be a Da Vinci or a Moses were just simply born to be ourselves. I was born to be Tanya. I have my own path.

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