Here’s a tid bit about who I used to be…
I worshipped men because I felt “loved” by them, any male who showed interest. I felt amazing and “loved” so much. But because of that it has put a tare into any and all relationships. I don’t know what a healthy one is. This was me for most of my life.
I lost my virginity at the age of 14, because another 14 year old boy, showed intrest in me. From that moment on, I defined the feeling of “love” as a sexual interest. I was drawn to pornography. I was drawn to chat rooms with random men, where I pretended to be older, and I would “cyber” because that was cool and it made me feel special because they were thinking about me, though a fake me. I played these games for years and I attached myself to the computer. Because I felt like this was my life and it’s the best life because it doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you seem charming, your great. It damaged myself and self worth dramatically, and scared my life.
Even at college though , I found myself doing the same thing. But it wasn’t hiding behind a computer, it was behind alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. I felt great, guys showed interest and my life was great again.
I just wanted to be noticed by the male persuasion because I felt “loved”. And when you define love as sexual immorality, and idolatry combined into one, you are an empty pit because you never get the true love that is only God given.
But that was my life for 13 years. Pornography, sexual relations, idolatry of men, drunkenness, and I’m sure many other ways that God has yet to reveal to me.
The most freeing thing was I was baptized. I would say salvation, but I didn’t think I sinned “that bad” at that point. I thought I was “moral”. But I wasn’t I was still meeting men at random hotels, I was still watching and looking at pornography. But the greatest thing was, God was showing me through His word and teachings that I was loved. He was wrapping his arms around me to tell me that “it’s okay, Daddy’s got you.”
I have never felt a love so true then the love of Jesus Christ. Many people find “love” in all wrong places like I did. And doing so has scarred my future relationships. It was put hole in my soul that I maybe able to patch with some smiles and laughs but only God can heal the true hole that is rooted to the core.
I have to repent my sins, I have to leave it all at the foot of the cross. Because it is written,
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” -Proverbs 28:13
“Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.” -Acts 8:22
You get the point. I repent my sins because I love the Lord and I need forgiveness for all of it. Not just the sin I can live without.