Tonight I sat behind my steering wheel of my car in utter tears. I wasn’t upset. I was broken and still am and will always be. But I was in car writing an email to my pastor, that never got sent.
I was writing because I am feeling unworthy and I don’t how to deal with it. I don’t know how to act when I am weak. I don’t know what to do. I am calling this “UnMasked” because I hide behind my smile, I hide behind a mask that is not true. In the email it stated “I don’t like to open up. I hate it. It makes me weak and I don’t like it. It’s like I’ve been hiding behind a mask” then it clicked. I have been hiding. All my life I hid behind this mask. A mask of “I’ve got it all together” but I don’t. No one does. But I was taught at a young age by people, I don’t know who, that showing weakness as a woman was not a good thing. Asking for help is saying you’re not good enough. I was always taught to figure out the problem and fix it that’s everything from technical, emotional, physical, and mental.
I don’t want to open up but today I feel unloved; I feel worthless; I feel like a failure, and I don’t know how to stop from feeling that way. I don’t know how to fix it. It could be because I’m 28 and I am single never been on a true date and lonely. Everyone I know is either is either getting married or having kids and I have no one. I have been in terrible relationships and one night stands. I went down a road where I wanted to feel worthy, so I got on “dating” sites, and met up with people and “had fun” . Looking back I have pity on myself because I thought that was the measure of my worthiness, how many guys showed interest. How many guys told me “they cared”. They could’ve cared less.
My worthiness I know comes from God. I am worthy of it all because I am a daughter of a king. I am worthy because All Might Powerful God says I am. I am loved because Jesus loves me. If I am doing the will of God, As there maybe some potholes and speed bumps along the way, God will not let me fail.
So in all as I might feel this way now. It’s just all but for a moment. I will get out of this rut, this pothole by Christ alone, not
by people lifting up egos, or taking sides but by the pure love of Christ.